I want you to know that..
For a while I was really sad. I'd think to myself "here we are again, what a mess you're in" but this is the nth time this has happened, in different variations. Public assumption. and then it hit me, it hit me hard. a lingering voice. "You're in this by choice." Then I rewinded. I sat still, and I tried to, for once, for the first time in a long time, turn off the voices of those around me.
I turned it all off for once. Then I listened in the silence. What was it telling me?
nothing.
The world doesn't care. trees will, thankfully, continue to blossom. the tides will continue their rhythm, and the sand in the dessert will continue in their lightness. I cannot let this take me, I think to myself. I picture myself, "why did I let it hurt so much?" it hurts because I never intended it to happen this way. But it did, and its no one's fault really..its just that its me and people already have this set picture of me. I've tried to change it but I cant. I now know that I can't.
and thats okay.
I probably contributed greatly to the ugly rumors anyway..with my bad reputation..my over-eager self..(Sorry im really like that with people I can talk philosophy-death-what-is-life with) I've also made slips when I was drunk..but It wasn't anything big to me, so I just let it go. I guess I cant really blame anyone for making those rumors now that I think about it..but It would just have been nice to be asked about it. but then yeah, you probably have your own reasons for not wanting to..
It sucks cause when you all finally tell me, its under the approach that I'm going to lie about it ("Since we're being honest here..") but whats there to lie about? does it have to be a special occasion? it took a while for me to realize it, but maybe if I had been a different person, the question might have been phrased...nicer.
I dont know what the rumors are just so you know. I just heard one SHIT one but I'm sure there are more..I'm sorry If I was out of line, but I can already tell that the intention was gravely misunderstood. Nothing crazy happened. Actually nothing at all happened..and even if you weren't in the picture, still, nothing would happen.
The craziest thing was that I told ya'll that I liked him. I was just being honest. There was an inclination..like when you wish that your dog would turn into a real person you can talk to. I remember wishing he were a girl. When I realized I was getting anxious (A.K.A the symptoms of infatuation/liking/crushing) I told myself that it was wrong, I mean I'm not stupid. I knew it was still hurtful for you. and hell no did I want a repeat of that thing that happened last year (which although has similarities from your end, is COMPLETELY different from mine.)
So I tried to pick it apart. I didnt want to be confused, I wanted to understand what was going on in my head. No way did I want a relationshippy-shit-thing, so why did I get excited? because I felt like I was hated (for what happened last year) I guess it was nice to be acknowledged..even for just..breathing. and well of course the common interests played a part.
Its pathetic I know..I'm not proud of it. so I just let it be. I didnt want to stress about it.. because if you stress about it, you think about it, and if you think about it, you exaggerate it - and we all know how my mind is so good at that. I guess I'm sorry that I can't control my feelings better? these are the times I wish I had jedi mind control. youd probably see me waving it over my own head.
Eventually it went away. because I just realized that I was being delusional and weird again, like when I'd fantasize about me being chosen for the Last Airbender movie (which thank god didnt happen cause it SUCKED).
If you really knew me you'd know that I dont just think about dick all day.. I'm interested in dream psychology, in sepukku, in Shintoism. If you knew me well, you'd know that I'm trying to be more of a child, you'd know that I like drawing townscapes in my notebook, That I love veggie burgers, that I dream of having a dog. oh and that I hated highschool (but thats mostly my fault). thereisaidit! woo
and back to YOU,
Its not your fault that you dont know me, but I'm just saying maybe if you did a little more, maybe you wouldnt have a hard time asking me..because you'd trust me.
Thats all I really want. I just want someone to trust me.
And well, you guys obviously dont. and I dont blame you I guess? but come on..life is short. I cant spend my life trying to make you like/trust me. I've been wrong before, but I'm over that really. Most of my insecurities actually sprout from my worry that you'll judge me, which ideally isn't how you should feel about your friends. It took me a while to admit that to myself.
but all of you already were judging, are, and always will.
I dont think I want to dwell on it anymore though. after all I'm in here by choice. I guess it was nice to have this problem open my eyes and make me see that well, I'm fighting a battle I can never win. So I'm giving up.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, If people will continue to deal with things the way they always have been, then im probably never going to get any closure/answers about this. I'd probably not be able to be as close to any of you as before. especially not him, especially not you.
but hey, The world doesn't care. trees will, thankfully, continue to blossom. the tides will continue their rhythm, and the sand in the dessert will continue in their lightness. Eventually, I know you will be okay. You'll find someone to love you, good friends to trust. None of this made you any less wonderful in my eyes. I'll always keep our good memories, I'll always look back and smile.
This is just life running its course.
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