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to be detached does not mean that you numb yourself. 

being detached is to awaken yourself to all things, 

to free yourself from your obsessions

to free yourself from your apprehensions,

to free yourself from the prison you created with your fears. 

we drop the weights into the ground

we travel light. 

then we take flight. 

and suddenly you become so aware. 

you become so awake. 

you have nothing to give to the universe, 

but your entire self  

and the universe accepts the you that is entirely you

you will embrace it, it will embrace you back

so much so that you lose the margins of your being

and you just blend into that void

without struggle 

you become a part of the wind

beyond flying

2011 hashtags

     Tonight i see people using the infamous #2011RemindedMe hashtag on twitter. 

It made me ask myself, what did 2011 remind me? since I'm not the type to tweet about these poopoo things (not because im high and mighty, but simply because there's no s p a c e), I'd rather just write it here. 

 Fuck the system 

      HAHHA i know it sounds very radical, but its not. I say this in such a way that this year, I really dove deeper into questioning the world I was born into. My religious beliefs are the biggest casualty - nothing is what it used to be. I realized that no matter how glorious your ideals are, they really need to be grounded into reality. 

     I put the "fuck" there because Im still young, and I'm a little overwhelmed by all that is offensive in the world. The fairytale curtain of "If we BELIEVE, everything will work out!" *insert mystical rainbow confetti here* has vanished. Now all I see is the clearing after the teargas, the piles of legislation that the government left in abandonment, the diminishing rain forests...I want real solutions, not ideals. I want concrete information, not tidbits of opinion. This year, I abandoned my idols, and I tried to see the message hiding behind the medium. you have to keep asking yourself why. don't settle for "thats just the way it is" otherwise, how can we ever change anything?

     even that i question sometimes..can we really change anything anymore? (but more on that in some other blog) 

 Stop making conclusions 

     I used to think I was such a smartass back in highschool, cause after each trial I'd be all "oh I learned that bla bla bla" well of course it sounds good on paper to learn something from everything, but I'm just saying that too much analysis can't be good. Sometimes you just have to let go, let it be. Yes you learned, but the lesson is still in progress. if you dwell too much on the previous chapter, you might miss out on the next. 

     In movies you always have that "oh this is why in the beginning batman told robin that he loved him" like theres a resolve or something..and somehow with every chapter of life, youre expecting that grand moment where you connect the dots. 

     but you cant always expect that from life. things dont always make sense right when you want them to. sometimes you need more clues. or sometimes thats all there is to it and youre just making a big deal out of nothing. stop explaining to yourself or anyone. relax. sit there with a blank stare. empty your cup. 

    

let the unknown keeps its mystery and beauty. 

Youre not perfect! 

     and no, youre not "perfectly imperfect" (tumblr BLEUGH!) either. sometimes you're a mess. sometimes youre just plain DISGUSTING, sometimes you say something stupid or wear something weird or are just plain wrong. and thats it. I have no redeeming thing to make you feel better either. (like youre gross, but who isn't?) because really some people are born with that "swag". some aren't. and its okay. everything will be okay forever.  

and FINALLY...

listen to your GUTS 

     nothing outside can beat whats rumbling in your gut. if you need to use the bathroom, use it. if you need to say something to someone, say it. if you feel like shutting up, then shut up. I always used to think "oh I dont want to make the other person feel bad" or "maybe I can just psyche myself out of this" no. if you look within you will find what you seek. there is no academic certificate, no grade, no better advice then that which pulls from your gut.    

thats it. 


well theres more but I can't really put everything here. (oooh! mystery! NAT)

SUMMARY FOR THE LAZY READER:

     2011 wasn't the year for sappy realizations of "Im a strong capable woman!" or "I can achieve my dreams if I just be myself" DEINS. 2011 slapped me on the face. hard. then after it gave me a big warm hug as if to say "cut the crap gen, be a kid." 

so thanks 2011! I was very much happy to have known you. 

hmmm

          sometimes i feel I never like what I write down. because whatever I write is part of this whole I can never express and by me writing only a part of it makes me feel like im misrepresenting the whole. When i think about dying, I feel sad about what I could be leaving behind because even the words you write can never be enough. every sentence is just a small breath against a lifetime of things to describe, things to not describe, things to say, things to not say. not that its a bad thing, but I'm sure no matter how much you try, you can never really translate all that you are into a form of expression. you just do what you can. 

beautiful

"This whole existence is in love: these trees are moving tremendously in love; these stars, these rivers rushing towards the ocean, are rushing towards a love-affair where they can meet and merge. Watch, and you will find everywhere the shadow of love, the thrill, the excitement, the ecstasy of love. Whatsoever the form, if you look deeply, you will always find something throbbing at the center which cannot be anything other than love."

-Osho

above: george harrison running into a wave