Whoops! youre in the wrong place!

I have moved my personal posts from thezenofgen.blogspot.com to thezenofgen.tumblr.com (i will no longer be using this account)

why?

well for one thing, its easier to share music there. its easier to post pictures, its easier to blog. and I like tumblr’s layout more. its clean and easier to customize. plus there’s that intriguing ask button where you can be as anonymous as you like. maybe, just maybe, this will be a more interesting space to fill. 

that’s all. 

This is my blog full of reblogs: funkinship.tumblr.com

thats right. funkinship as in fuckinshit 

sionara blogger community!

http://thezenofgen.tumblr.com

Change maker

Listening to punk rock again! Ocean Avenue, Punk rock princess. 

these songs always make me want to go nuts!! 

I'm feelin all good :)

What do right do you have not to start a war?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

White blank page

I hope one day you'll understand, but the more that time passes, the weirder it gets to bring it up. so before I completely let go, I just want to put this away. You'll probably never see this anyway.


I want you to know that..    


For a while I was really sad. I'd think to myself "here we are again, what a mess you're in" but this is the nth time this has happened, in different variations. Public assumption. and then it hit me, it hit me hard. a lingering voice. "You're in this by choice." Then I rewinded. I sat still, and I tried to, for once, for the first time in a long time, turn off the voices of those around me.




I turned it all off for once. Then I listened in the silence. What was it telling me?


nothing. 


       The world doesn't care. trees will, thankfully, continue to blossom. the tides will continue their rhythm, and the sand in the dessert will continue in their lightness. I cannot let this take me, I think to myself. I picture myself, "why did I let it hurt so much?" it hurts because I never intended it to happen this way. But it did, and its no one's fault really..its just that its me and people already have this set picture of me. I've tried to change it but I cant. I now know that I can't.


and thats okay. 


     I probably contributed greatly to the ugly rumors anyway..with my bad reputation..my over-eager self..(Sorry im really like that with people I can talk philosophy-death-what-is-life with) I've also made slips when I was drunk..but It wasn't anything big to me, so I just let it go. I guess I cant really blame anyone for making those rumors now that I think about it..but It would just have been nice to be asked about it. but then yeah, you probably have your own reasons for not wanting to..






     It sucks cause when you all finally tell me, its under the approach that I'm going to lie about it ("Since we're being honest here..") but whats there to lie about? does it have to be a special occasion? it took a while for me to realize it, but maybe if I had been a different person, the question might have been phrased...nicer. 






        I dont know what the rumors are just so you know. I just heard one SHIT one but I'm sure there are more..I'm sorry If I was out of line, but I can already tell that the intention was gravely misunderstood. Nothing crazy happened. Actually nothing at all happened..and even if you weren't in the picture, still, nothing would happen. 






     The craziest thing was that I told ya'll that I liked him. I was just being honest. There was an inclination..like when you wish that your dog would turn into a real person you can talk to. I remember wishing he were a girl. When I realized I was getting anxious (A.K.A the symptoms of infatuation/liking/crushing) I told myself that it was wrong, I mean I'm not stupid. I knew it was still hurtful for you. and hell no did I want a repeat of that thing that happened last year (which although has similarities from your end, is COMPLETELY different from mine.)
   
    So I tried to pick it apart. I didnt want to be confused, I wanted to understand what was going on in my head. No way did I want a relationshippy-shit-thing, so why did I get excited? because I felt like I was hated (for what happened last year) I guess it was nice to be acknowledged..even for just..breathing. and well of course the common interests played a part.


Its pathetic I know..I'm not proud of it. so I just let it be. I didnt want to stress about it.. because if you stress about it, you think about it, and if you think about it, you exaggerate it - and we all know how my mind is so good at that. I guess I'm sorry that I can't control my feelings better? these are the times I wish I had jedi mind control. youd probably see me waving it over my own head. 


Eventually it went away. because I just realized that I was being delusional and weird again, like when I'd fantasize about me being chosen for the Last Airbender movie (which thank god didnt happen cause it SUCKED). 

 to the people who said those nasty things, 
        
  If you really knew me you'd know that I dont just think about dick all day.. I'm interested in dream psychology, in sepukku, in Shintoism. If you knew me well, you'd know that I'm trying to be more of a child, you'd know that I like drawing townscapes in my notebook, That I love veggie burgers, that I dream of having a dog. oh and that I hated highschool (but thats mostly my fault). thereisaidit! woo 


and back to YOU, 


Its not your fault that you dont know me, but I'm just saying maybe if you did a little more, maybe you wouldnt have a hard time asking me..because you'd trust me.


     Thats all I really want. I just want someone to trust me.


     And well, you guys obviously dont. and I dont blame you I guess? but come on..life is short. I cant spend my life trying to make you like/trust me. I've been wrong before, but I'm over that really.  Most of my insecurities actually sprout from my worry that you'll judge me, which ideally isn't how you should feel about your friends. It took me a while to admit that to myself. 


but all of you already were judging, are, and always will.


I dont think I want to dwell on it anymore though. after all I'm in here by choice. I guess it was nice to have this problem open my eyes and make me see that well, I'm fighting a battle I can never win. So I'm giving up. 

I'm sorry. 

Anyway, If people will continue to deal with things the way they always have been, then im probably never going to get any closure/answers about this. I'd probably not be able to be as close to any of you as before. especially not him, especially not you. 


but hey, The world doesn't care. trees will, thankfully, continue to blossom. the tides will continue their rhythm, and the sand in the dessert will continue in their lightness. Eventually, I know you will be okay. You'll find someone to love you, good friends to trust. None of this made you any less wonderful in my eyes. I'll always keep our good memories, I'll always look back and smile. 




This is just life running its course.

what is, what is

isadore

         This is a thing i freehanded in adobe photoshop today. I miss my pen tablet! this was pretty hard to make with the trackpad and all. Its really just a simple face..no fancy angles/lighting. I haven't practiced drawing/coloring in so long..I'm trying to gain my momentum back. I'm not very confident with this in terms of technicality..but this is what I feel now at the moment..just wanting to close my eyes and think. 

New Morning Lights

I made this for fun! happy new year folks :)

☮

to be detached does not mean that you numb yourself. 

being detached is to awaken yourself to all things, 

to free yourself from your obsessions

to free yourself from your apprehensions,

to free yourself from the prison you created with your fears. 

we drop the weights into the ground

we travel light. 

then we take flight. 

and suddenly you become so aware. 

you become so awake. 

you have nothing to give to the universe, 

but your entire self  

and the universe accepts the you that is entirely you

you will embrace it, it will embrace you back

so much so that you lose the margins of your being

and you just blend into that void

without struggle 

you become a part of the wind

beyond flying

2011 hashtags

     Tonight i see people using the infamous #2011RemindedMe hashtag on twitter. 

It made me ask myself, what did 2011 remind me? since I'm not the type to tweet about these poopoo things (not because im high and mighty, but simply because there's no s p a c e), I'd rather just write it here. 

 Fuck the system 

      HAHHA i know it sounds very radical, but its not. I say this in such a way that this year, I really dove deeper into questioning the world I was born into. My religious beliefs are the biggest casualty - nothing is what it used to be. I realized that no matter how glorious your ideals are, they really need to be grounded into reality. 

     I put the "fuck" there because Im still young, and I'm a little overwhelmed by all that is offensive in the world. The fairytale curtain of "If we BELIEVE, everything will work out!" *insert mystical rainbow confetti here* has vanished. Now all I see is the clearing after the teargas, the piles of legislation that the government left in abandonment, the diminishing rain forests...I want real solutions, not ideals. I want concrete information, not tidbits of opinion. This year, I abandoned my idols, and I tried to see the message hiding behind the medium. you have to keep asking yourself why. don't settle for "thats just the way it is" otherwise, how can we ever change anything?

     even that i question sometimes..can we really change anything anymore? (but more on that in some other blog) 

 Stop making conclusions 

     I used to think I was such a smartass back in highschool, cause after each trial I'd be all "oh I learned that bla bla bla" well of course it sounds good on paper to learn something from everything, but I'm just saying that too much analysis can't be good. Sometimes you just have to let go, let it be. Yes you learned, but the lesson is still in progress. if you dwell too much on the previous chapter, you might miss out on the next. 

     In movies you always have that "oh this is why in the beginning batman told robin that he loved him" like theres a resolve or something..and somehow with every chapter of life, youre expecting that grand moment where you connect the dots. 

     but you cant always expect that from life. things dont always make sense right when you want them to. sometimes you need more clues. or sometimes thats all there is to it and youre just making a big deal out of nothing. stop explaining to yourself or anyone. relax. sit there with a blank stare. empty your cup. 

    

let the unknown keeps its mystery and beauty. 

Youre not perfect! 

     and no, youre not "perfectly imperfect" (tumblr BLEUGH!) either. sometimes you're a mess. sometimes youre just plain DISGUSTING, sometimes you say something stupid or wear something weird or are just plain wrong. and thats it. I have no redeeming thing to make you feel better either. (like youre gross, but who isn't?) because really some people are born with that "swag". some aren't. and its okay. everything will be okay forever.  

and FINALLY...

listen to your GUTS 

     nothing outside can beat whats rumbling in your gut. if you need to use the bathroom, use it. if you need to say something to someone, say it. if you feel like shutting up, then shut up. I always used to think "oh I dont want to make the other person feel bad" or "maybe I can just psyche myself out of this" no. if you look within you will find what you seek. there is no academic certificate, no grade, no better advice then that which pulls from your gut.    

thats it. 


well theres more but I can't really put everything here. (oooh! mystery! NAT)

SUMMARY FOR THE LAZY READER:

     2011 wasn't the year for sappy realizations of "Im a strong capable woman!" or "I can achieve my dreams if I just be myself" DEINS. 2011 slapped me on the face. hard. then after it gave me a big warm hug as if to say "cut the crap gen, be a kid." 

so thanks 2011! I was very much happy to have known you. 

hmmm

          sometimes i feel I never like what I write down. because whatever I write is part of this whole I can never express and by me writing only a part of it makes me feel like im misrepresenting the whole. When i think about dying, I feel sad about what I could be leaving behind because even the words you write can never be enough. every sentence is just a small breath against a lifetime of things to describe, things to not describe, things to say, things to not say. not that its a bad thing, but I'm sure no matter how much you try, you can never really translate all that you are into a form of expression. you just do what you can. 

beautiful

"This whole existence is in love: these trees are moving tremendously in love; these stars, these rivers rushing towards the ocean, are rushing towards a love-affair where they can meet and merge. Watch, and you will find everywhere the shadow of love, the thrill, the excitement, the ecstasy of love. Whatsoever the form, if you look deeply, you will always find something throbbing at the center which cannot be anything other than love."

-Osho

above: george harrison running into a wave

driving slow on sunday morning!

 There are so many things I haven't really tried yet in terms of writing- despite me ferociously writing every stupid theory of the universe I come up with since I was ten.

I never really wrote about my day, complete with pictures. Well just to take a little commercial from all my profound whatever, here's to my first EVER "what-i-did-today" entry. burp

Best day to try this? SUNDAYS.

today i bought a book to read @ fully booked. 

this is the view from my room: 

\

 I went to snr and saw pat! 

I bought my favorite ice cream. MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP!

yes I know, I must work on my focusing! 

 and a little view from the car:

the clouds were so fluffy today.

          okay maybe that was a pretty crappy uneventful first "what I did today" entry, but who cares? I love having days as simple as these! everything is just going according to pace.. and I felt really calm (except the homework I must get done..NOW) its actually fun to document these things, but I wouldn't want to do this everyday (blogging each day i mean) what do i look like? the truman show? 

but hey this would make an interesting digital fossil 800 years from now. So the aliens who read my blog like it was the code of Hammurabi can realize that the internet wasn't all about sex and social networking..

OR IS IT?

and well..

existentialism and "The one that got away"

           Today Katy Perry's video "the one that got away" premiered online. The song is about how you make promises to a person about forever and the like, but it never really works out. Or in katy's case, the guy (played by Diego Luna I LOVE HIM) just met an accident..Oh shes so dramatic! hahhaa but anyway it IS a pretty sad story. That and finally looking up the lyrics of "dreams" by fleetwood mac gave me a morning filled with many forms of wondering about what could have been. 

"Like a heartbeat that drives you mad, in the stillness of remembering"

           I'm not really talking about anything or anyone in particular (scandalous!), but its just the general feeling of being nostalgic. I mean Its not like I'm this rock who doesn't feel these things. I think everyone more or less wonders into these bitter-sweet memories once in a while. 

          but then it hit me, thinking about what could have been is to put yourself into a corner. 

There is no such thing. "what could have been" is a myth.

           I genuinely believe that if you really want something, then there is no fear, only certainty. When you know something to be so true then you would fight for it no matter what - it wouldn't make you sad, but happy to even try. There is no "what could have been" because if its not happening, then it shouldn't be happening. If you're allowing your fear or whatever to stop you from getting into something, then maybe its just not the right thing. 

          Everyone glamorizes us into thinking that relationships are supposed to hurt. so when it does hurt us too much, were killing ourselves over it but enduring it anyway because we think its part of the program. So when we look back, we think to ourselves "oh god it was so good even with all the bad stuff." but if that were the case, then why is it different now? if youre really dreaming of what could have been, and you want it so badly, then you should just make it happen. If you know its a risk worth taking, then take it!

          otherwise, we can't really complain (unless you know, god forbid the person just dies like in Titanic). Its just life running its course. It doesn't always go our way and thats okay. But we are capable of trying to change it, and if we (or the person in question) won't even try, then maybe its just not worth changing. and thats okay too. so all ya'll young ladies out there who are getting emotional with the song, CHEEEL! (easier said than done, but really there is nothing more pointless)

       PS

          Just a random thing to add, In Katy Perry's video, I really felt bad for the guy who she grew old with - the one she didnt seem to love. I mean if youre dreaming about someone who's gone, then why leach unto someone else and make them believe that theyre the one in your heart? Shit, Katy. just cause youre hurting doesn't give you the right to hurt the one's around you. or maybe she married him for money or something. UGH WHATEVER why am i even thinking about this :)) 

        i just wanted to put it here.. I mean thats life for you. now go and love the world!!! 

use the horse!

I'm writing this because starwars is the cool thing to like. I see it on 9gag, tumblr, etc. People are talking about the places, the characters, and their eyes light up like its so wonderful to recall those things - and it is. But I don't just love starwars for that. Some people just try to know it because its cool and they want to be weird or quirky or whatever..I don't know.

No, I dont know everything about Starwars. I don't know about the outer universe and I dont memorize every place in the saga (i just know the basics: Tatooine, Hoth, Naboo, etc) I'm not a fangirl who would memorize every Jedi in the movie. Though I know that would be cool as hell, I don't think that that's the kind of qualification to say that youre really a fan. (if it is then youre just making it this exclusive whatever thing - you hipster.)

I write this because every time I sincerely ask a person if they like starwars, I often get a reply like "oh do you know the *INSERT A-PLACE-YOU-OBVIOUSLY-DON'T-KNOW-BUT-I'LL-SAY-IT-BECAUSE-I'M-OUT-THERE planet*"then I get a shun because I don't know it. sigh. this is why sometimes I just want to shut up about it, even though I feel like screaming from the mountain tops how amazing I think the whole thing is.

a love for star wars, just like a love for other things, is subjective. and maybe I'm not as cool as all the other fans out there, but I really do love starwars. So now I just want to write about it.

 The first one's I saw were the prequels and not the original trilogy..but it was fucking amazing. I loved every minute of it. Even part one, when I was anakin's age and all I could think about was how cool it was to race the way he did. And then in part 2 he fell in love, and I thought to myself because I was a little girl, "one day I'm going to marry anakin skywalker"

I even marked how tall he was on my wall, so I could mark my growth and pray it would match his in those weird couplely ways. (I know its very durpina of me, but what the hell) to me he was so real! and it wasn't the actor I loved, but the character. I remember even reading some stuff about him, he was my first love. To top it off,  I wanted the world to change into that parellel universe, I wanted it so badly. I used to collect the KFC mugs and buckets, trying to copy the characters on them. I played frisbee using the lid of the KFC bucket - just because it had starwars slapped across it. I didn't care. I found random sticks in the park and used them as light sabers. I'd talk to myself using that ethereal jedi voice. I'd dream about it - even until today.

then I got surprised because I grew up and found the internet. then I went to online forums about starwars, and I saw how many people were saying that the prequels sucked. I was a bit saddened by it because thats starwars for my generation. I saw them first not because I chose to, but just because I just wasn't exposed to the first ones. So part I, II and III came. and I was thinking "oh why was this here?" "why is this a big deal?"

and then I saw the original Star Wars. A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi.

I was amazed. even though the effects were outdated, it still spoke to me. I saw the originals when I was already in highschool, but it still took me away. I fell even more in love with the story. And the genius behind it, how it was so ahead of its time, was beautiful. I saw it again and again. Soon after I saw the prequels again, and I actually teared up a bit. The story was so true and so real. I love starwars that I wouldn't care if they showed the damn thing using sock puppets - there's just a message behind it that you just can't help but want to escape into.

People complain about technicalities, how the dvd edition has many new digital changes that they don't like, how the original is better...but come on, star wars was never about those things.

for me, the prequels were a tribute to the original. it was never made to compete, but to compliment. If the prequels weren't good, then I wouldn't have been so curious about the originals - it anchored me back. Now I know it, and my life just feels different each time I think about it. (and if you say that I dont know what I'm talking about then funk you you filthy adult! I was a kid and kids always know best!)

 The point is, star wars will always be there. It's a story of redemption, return, victory, love, and so many other things. I love it just the way it is, for all that it is (even the things people criticize about it) because you know why? It's a story worth knowing. Its a warmth worth carrying into our own galaxy, not so far away. If each person who's ever seen starwars would apply the love from the movie in real life, and not just the merchandise, then I truly believe the world would be a better place - then we wouldn't have to wish for it to be real because it's always been real. the force has always been amongst us.

that's it for my two cents.

now to lighten up the mood!

watch this video! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eCSHJINqCo

If not now, when?

Now I know,

 all I've ever been trying to be, 

all that I've ever wanted, 

was to just be a kid again. 

Pure, Curious, Free.

As a kid, I never needed anything to be happy. 

I never relied on the company of anyone. 

I never expected anything from the world 

except that it be the home of other people 

who just want to be kids as well. 

Society is wrong. 

all you ever needed to be happy has always been within you.

 everything else is just good marketing

 - when people make you want things you dont really need.

I love being a kid!! :)

just humming a song under the giant sky

so small compared to everything else,

but dreaming of the day when 

you can change the things

 that they told you couldn't be changed

anymore. 

when I wake up in the morning, love

This afternoon I went for a walk to finish my photo assignment. My assignment was about motion, and while I was just experimenting with the settings, I ended up taking this picture of a tree.

 I feel so small each time I look at this! I love how the sunlight shined through the leaves like the tree was posing for me. this really made my day :)

The Dreamers

"When your'e supposed to be careful you never are. 

When its time for you to be care-free, you hold back"

Future Sounds

I think once in a while its pretty healthy to write about things you're looking forward to when it comes to the future. I look at all the crappy schoolwork I have waiting for me at home. Thinking about all the things I want to do in the not-so distant (I say not-so distant because life is short) future - and its the only motivation that gets me to sit down and fight through all the school work.

This term Ive been learning how to layout magazines or newsletters. (maybe I can post some here when I'm done!) Last term we learned about film. I really like my course. I like what I'm learning. with that said, I really need to focus on finding where it is my course will lead me. Communication Arts has a lot of tracks.

I look at all the billboards in the expressway and I realize that I dont really want to do advertising or marketing. I mean I'm sure theres fulfillment to be found in that line of work, but I think I'd rather try out a career in photo journalism or writing. Maybe thats just me. When I think about success all I could picture is just a lot of things I want to create. I want to write a novel, I want to fall into my art, I want to dive into philosophy, I never want to stop learning. Yet all the things I want are pretty risky - Its not really the formula for a stable and safe career, but this post isn't about that.

If we're talking about just pure "hey gen, so where are you going with all of this?" thats the only thought that gets me excited. The thought of creating something, the thought of breaking away. I feel like I have so much to translate and express that I just dont want to die without even trying. I get excited when I'm in a creative environment. I get excited when you have a problem that only creativity or imagination can solve.

I want to learn so much about the world, the whole world. I look out into the sky and I find myself smiling inside thinking that its the same sky that wraps around us all. How under that same sky there are people who are hungry, people who are greedy, people who are in love, people who are praying, trees growing, waves rippling, grounds quaking, tides breaking, etc etc.    

when i feel this way, I just cant help but feel so driven and so inspired. I dont even think about having a family and kids or whatever (but i think were too young for that anyway). All I want now when I think of the future is to just be in it. Completely there and feeling completely alive because I'm doing something I love or creating something worth while. I hope I end up fighting for all the things I believe in, and fighting against all the things that make this world an ugly place. I never want to encourage violence, insensitivity, vanity. I guess you could say I have a lot of ideals. I hope I can find a way to frame them into reality.

beh

I feel so bombarded by social networking sites. I don't like staying on them too long because its tiring and unreal. We choose profile pictures or statuses as if it will define us or show the world who we truly are, but if you think about it, it never really matters. These sites are just white screens where we can rub off our projections. You think you can know a person through this projection. You look at their wall, you judge their pictures, but in the end that isn't really who that person is. We've turned into a pretty obsessive bunch of folk - watching each other with telescope computer screens.

20 years ago, people would never limit themselves this way. So many people want a million likes. Not all do, but I'm just saying for some - and its sad because its this whole new platform for people to be insecure or arrogant or whatever. and whats the worst part? its not even real. You think this is your social life, but really theres nothing life-like about it.

 It's funny because this is supposed to make us more connected - this was the whole point of the information age. Yet I dont know. I think were all lonelier than we've ever been. We seldom bother getting to know a person more than what we can pick up in their pages. Deep conversation was the information age's biggest casualty. why bother when everything is already public. All the "information" you need is there. Everyone is airing out their dirty laundry. yum.

 But it does have its uses: school work and the like. Still, there are some things you wish you didn't have access to anymore. so easily, so instantly.

Everything is just too fast, and yet nothing is happening. Why do we try to swim deep in a pool so shallow? These are just some of the things that make me wish I was born in a different era.